evanescent.
September 27, 2022
I've come upon a realization that my teenage days are slowly slipping away from my fingers. That I only have two birthdays, one eid al-Fitr, and only one first day of school left before my eighteenth birthday—some people may call it the age where an individual is no longer classified as a teen.
I still remember how my twelve years old self cry over the fact that time is moving. Changing. And fleeting. Fleeting like those yellow flowers in front of my classroom—which I didn't know the name of—that bloomed and withered away in a blink of an eye.
I've come upon a realization that after all these teenage days I've spent, I couldn't fulfill all the wishes and hopes and dreams I used to have. That I couldn't become that faultless-high achieving-gifted straight As student, I always get weary and drowsy right after school to even care about all the assignments lumped into me.
That I couldn't become the band kid who plays guitar or maybe that one girl everyone's familiar with. That I couldn't taste the lingering feelings of teenage romance in the same way as those Indonesian high school movies' main characters. Despite the brown OSIS badge and the putih abu-abu uniform that I wear, I still haven't experienced how is it to be loved like Milea, Cinta, or just like ... everyone else.
Hell, I couldn't even get into my dream school. How silly of me to want things beyond my reach when I can barely hold the only possible one? My head keeps on replaying imaginary scenarios (and I know they will never happen) like some broken film reels. Filled with what-if questions. The what-could-have-beens, the if-onlys.
What if I didn't give up my dream to be an artist?
What if I didn't stop writing?
What if I tried to open up more to people?
What if things were different? Would I be happier?
But what's the point of them all anyway? Of regretting choices. Of blaming the universe and destiny. Of dreaming about the world within your reach.
In these teenage days, I've come upon a realization that the world won't hold back to slap your cheek. That the world won't always kiss your forehead and shoo away the nightmares in your sleep.
But that's the pain of growing up, is it not?
___
sorry for grammatical errors bc i wrote this tengah malem WKAKWKAK abis nugas,
idenya muncul setelah liat sound "scott street" di fyp.
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